Expired

The first saved piece of digital art I made on a Samsung phone. I was 9.

(This is more of a vent-ish, blog post, and ventish blog posts in general will be announced on other social media a little more privately.)

When I was younger, I really loved drawing. The adults around me complimented my passion for visual art really well and I was happy with that for a while. Looking back at it.. I felt coddled. I'm 15 now, and now I'm starting to feel like I've wasted a few years and now my skill is on the level of "horribly mediocre."

There's no other word that can describe this feeling other than "expired". I feel expired. All I can do now, is watch artists up to two years younger than me excel me in skill in every way.

Sometimes I feel cold, bitter, resentful. A little bit towards them, but I've never resorted to making snide comments at all. But most of that resent is towards myself and my skill. All the imaginary expectations I had of myself when I was a kid, hoping to be a good artist, just washed away.

I wish I had someone to personally critique me as I got older. I wish I had the right mindset, no, the right brain, the right brain that knows exactly how to put me on track. But now, my progress goes as fast as a snail.

I would do anything to draw carelessly again. I keep seeing younger and younger artists get the praise (they obviously deserve) and it makes me feel inferior. Even if the age gap is miniscule. We're the same generation, with the same resources, why couldn't I improve as fast as her.

My love for art, I feel, is slowly burning out as I start to get into programming-related activities. I love programming, but I feel like it's the only well paying job other than art, and considering I expired rather than becoming a great art prodigy. I feel like I've made a fool out of myself.